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I have an amazing group of friends. They’ve supported me during major life events over the last 10 years. We’ve laughed, cried, and grown together. My girls are beautiful, educated, smart and witty. Some of them are even financially savvy (I know I sound like a BlackPeopleMeet.com post, but hey, I’m a good friend). While my friends and I are all different, we share one surprising thing in common: our relationship status. We all are single and have been for quite some time.
But is it really that surprising?
According to Census numbers from 2009 (sorry I had to go there), 70.5 percent of all black women are single, and 42 percent are unmarried. Before you roll your eyes in disgust, this is not another ‘plight of the single, educated, black woman’ story. Instead, I’m posing a question: When all of your friends are single, does it affect your chances of finding love?
Hmmm….
It’s often said that birds of a feather flock together. Are my friends and I secretly sabotaging each other when it comes to relationships? The notion sounds a bit outlandish, but I can’t help but wonder. We all seem to deal with the same situations just in different parts of the world and with different types of men. Because of our similar relationship woes, our conversations with each other are usually the same. The advice we give each other…the same as well. Why? Because we speak of what we know, and judging by our circumstances, what we know and don’t know when it comes to relationships is quite similar.
In the past, most of my relationship advice came from this group of close friends, who, may I reiterate, are just as single as I am. The truth is that most of them haven’t been in committed relationships in years. In their defense, it’s often by choice. Some of them are extremely picky; others are the no-nonsense type of women who don’t accept the BS that sometimes comes with relationships. Then there are others who are so career-driven that they want a man but haven’t made dating a priority.
Whatever the reason, I can’t help but question why they…we…are all single. And does the advice and energy we supply each other with have anything to do with it? You know, the “I’m sick of being single” dialogue, the “There are no good men out there” complaints, and the “I’ll never find a good man” pessimism?
When I write articles about keeping a man, loving your man, or pleasing your man (which doesn’t happen very often), I usually rely on advice from those who are actually in loving relationships. But when it comes to my personal situations, I vent to those who are close to me–my single friends. And what do I get in return? Single girl advice.
I am not saying that my friends have nothing of importance to say when it comes to getting and keeping a man, but their experience levels suggest otherwise. This is the case with most women in their 20s and early 30s. We rely on the wisdom of our girlfriends, even if they sometimes lack credibility. Does this energy or lackluster advice affect us subconsciously? I don’t know. But it’s worth thinking about.
By no means am I saying that you should ditch your single girls and find some new married or engaged friends. I don’t plan to do that. I love my friends and think that they are amazing. But they’re also single. Just like me. For this reason, it’s good to have a group of associates or social confidants who are in relationships that you can talk with to help you with dating and relationship issues. They can probably invite you to places where more eligible bachelors are (their boyfriend’s or husband’s friends). And hey, sometimes this beats going places surrounded by a group of your single girlfriends, especially if you know you’re looking for love.
Who really knows if your single friends are affecting your love life. I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s not always wise to seek counsel from those in the same predicament as you. It’s like asking for tips on how to be successful from someone jobless and content with their situation. The goal is to seek advice from those you want to mimic. So if you want love, your single girlfriend probably shouldn’t be the first person you call. Just saying…
