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As I get older and celebrate one birthday after another, I always get asked, “So, do you feel older?” I usually don’t–until my aunts and cousins bombard me with questions about marriage and motherhood. “When are you getting married?” “Don’t you think it’s about time for you to have kids?” I always justify my current single status by saying I’m not even dating and would at least need to be in a committed relationship before we start talking engagements and children. During these conversations, I don’t find myself second-guessing where I’m at in life. But as wedding season rolls around each spring and summer, I log on to Facebook or Instagram, and there’s always a new “She Said Yes!” post coming from acquaintances. That is when I find myself fighting off the jealousy that’s brewing within me.
As of late, I’ve noticed that I get asked at least twice a day why “a woman like me” is single. What does that even mean? But the truth is, I have internalized the idea that I don’t have the time or energy to put in a real effort when it comes to building with someone. Let’s be honest, it’s a load of bull, and I really feel it when I have no one to share my successes with. Or when friends ask me to double date, and I’m left to look at the invisible man standing next to me during outings.
I think about the never-ending claim that men make about women being too independent to date. Sometimes I wonder, could it be true? While I am independent, I don’t necessarily give off the vibe that I don’t need someone can’t take care of me and that a man is incapable of doing so. Even if I did, it wouldn’t be true. Will Smith said it best in Hitch:
“Basic principles – no woman wakes up saying ‘God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today!’ Now, she might say ‘This is a really bad time for me,’ or something like ‘I just need some space,’ or my personal favorite, ‘I’m really into my career right now.’ You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Cause she’s lying to you, that’s why. You understand me? Lying! It’s not a bad time for her. She doesn’t need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she’s really saying is ‘Uh, get away from me now,’ or possibly ‘Try harder, stupid,’ but which one is it? Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal body language; Thirty percent is your tone, so that means ninety percent of what you’re saying ain’t coming out of your mouth. Of course she’s going to lie to you! She’s a nice person! She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings! What else is she going to say? She doesn’t even know you… yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn’t know what she wants until she sees it, and that’s where I come in.”
Yes, I had to quote the entire monologue.
While it isn’t wise to date just because you’re lonely, I find myself yearning for a companion, someone to share my life with. With a handful of friends, relatives, male acquaintances and sorority sisters getting engaged and married, it’s becoming harder for me to ignore my ticking biological clock. I don’t feel older, but I do feel myself going through the beginning stages of a quarter-life crisis. It’s wedding season, and I feel left out. As the last friend in my circle to still be single, I find that the conversation is shifting between us all. While they’re gushing over wedding plans, bridal showers, where they wish to live with their partner after they’re married, and how many children they want, I chime in, but I know I’m further off course than they are. Some days I sit and daydream about this guy who’s supposedly going to find me so that I can one day talk mindlessly about some of the same things.
But I could be in the way of that guy finding me. Coming from a committed relationship of six years and being single for two, I must admit that fear is holding me back. I lost myself during those six years and having worked these past two years to find her again, I’m fearful that committing would mean giving up all I’ve worked for. I’m partly to blame for my own loneliness. I’ve assumed that I need to focus on me and my career, and I need to be established before I can worry about being with someone else. But as I sit at my laptop RSVP’ing for weddings and receptions with no plus-one, I can’t help but wonder, when will time reveal who’s going to sweep me off my feet? And more importantly, will I let them?
