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I’m blessed to have a diverse array of loving, compassionate friends in my life. No matter their personalities – laid back, adventurous, free-spirited, reserved – they all have one thing in common: they’ll always have my back (and I theirs). But certain friendships, I’ve noticed, have specific confinements that put unnecessary strains on the relationship.
One such friendship is of the limited engagement kind. I’m not referring to a seasonal friendship – here for the summer, gone come fall. Limited engagements aren’t created out of necessity because of a factor like proximity. These types of friendships occur because one person in it always has an excuse prepared. You invite her to see a movie, go to dinner or a club, but she’s quick to turn down all of your offers. Her reasoning? She’s short on cash, doesn’t have anyone to watch her child, doesn’t have the time, or fill in the blank. These are all very valid excuses that are easy to understand and relate to. Heck, you’ve been there yourself. The problem occurs when this kind of friend always give you an excuse, no matter what. You offer solutions – “Don’t worry, my treat.” Or, “How about we just have a girl’s night at my place or yours?” You are all kinds of flexible and accommodating, but they don’t budge and turn you down frequently. Getting this friend to hang out with you is like pulling teeth.
So your friendship, despite the fact that you live in the same city, is relegated to text messages, emails and Facebook (she doesn’t like talking on the phone). These forms of communication have their obvious limitations. Ain’t nobody got the time or the finger power to type out in-depth conversations the way you would naturally spew them out in person. Intonation, facial expressions, body language – the kind of closeness and communion you get face to face – is often completely missed via these exchanges.
You see this friend every few months, usually on or around your respective birthdays, or on major holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas. If she were a man you were dating, you would have dropped her long ago. In fact, if you were dating a guy with a similar penchant, she herself would suggest you chuck up the deuces, offering sage advice like: “A man that can’t make time for you isn’t really into you.” But this is different. There are things we won’t stand for in romantic relationships that we let slide in friendships because eros love and philia love are two entirely different thangs.
Despite all this, you value this friend of yours. She’s charismatic and funny; doesn’t talk at you, but talks to you. You have a lot of mutual interests and can confide in one other, especially when the going gets tough. You don’t sense a fake bone in her body. And on the occasions when you do get together in person, you’re reminded why you’re friends in the first place. But is this a real friendship, or is it something else entirely? How can your friendship grow and thrive if one person controls the reigns to such a degree?
I used to take offense to my limited engagement friend’s disinterest in hanging out and spending time together. But as is often said, experience is the best teacher. I learned to invite her out less and less and always prepared myself to hear the words, “I can’t,” or “no” so that when I did hear a yes, I’d be pleasantly surprised. I made peace with the terms of our friendship and understood its limits, which took my personal offense out of the equation. I also came to the conclusion that this is just the way my friend is. I don’t have the power to change her, nor do I want to. The best friendships, the best relationships of any kind, come when you can accept people for who they are. That’s not to say that if something isn’t working for you or if you feel you’re being taken advantage of or mistreated, that you can’t speak your mind or stand your ground. A true friend, limited engagement or not, will want to hear what you have to say.
