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In 2014, on the 22nd anniversary of his wedding to our First Lady, our ever so eloquent president joked to a New Yorker reporter that “it takes 10 years to train a man.” I’m not going to act like I was surprised to hear him say this because it’s a phrase that I’ve used a time or two myself. How many times have you witnessed a man being especially good to his woman, and your initial thought is, “She’s got him trained well”? The term “trained” is all sorts of wrong, but what it implies is that in addition to raising children, handling the lion’s share of the housework, working a 9-to-5, and struggling to maintain an “I haven’t let myself go” look, said woman had to set aside time to rear a grown ass man too. Nah, bruh.
But seriously, while some women talk about their hopes of helping a guy grow out of certain behaviors and into a marriage-minded man, according to experts, any changes he makes are done on his own preferred timeframe and based on his own heart.
Case in point: A few weeks back my fiancé and I decided to invite some of our friends with kids over for a BBQ. My fiancé had spent the majority of the day keeping the yard tidy, preparing food for our guests, and monitoring the whereabouts of the children. His day was quite different from my own, as I was literally one red cup away from pulling an Al Bundy move–feet propped up on the yard bench with my left hand in my pants. I kicked back and enjoyed the BBQ as if I was an invited guest while my fiancé took on most, if not all of the domestic duties for that day.
I thought nothing of this, as he’s quietly made it his personal mission to take a more active role in our family in recent years. But, apparently, his behavior was foreign to our guests as they joked and called him “trained.” You can train a dog to sit and pee outside. You can teach a parrot to repeat a few phrases. Heck, I saw a video of a man whose giant pet lizard could greet him like a dog and wag his reptilian tail like one too. But unless you have a pet Yorkie for a man, I highly doubt that he’s able to be “tamed” or “trained” by anybody but his damn self.
So what is the deal if he has made noticeable changes and acts more like a married man than a college boy? Who gets the credit? Could it be that years of nagging and threatening to leave can force change on a person? Licensed Miami-based Family and Marriage Counselor Maria Ramos says true love and affection, not threats, can force change.
“I have seen that any man that is not ready for that emotional responsibility becomes frustrated and is an unhappy husband,” Ramos said. “Man changes only when he wants to better himself because of the love they have for their woman.”
I asked Ramos if I’d be able to take the credit for the changes that my man has made as of late and she broke it down for me. She said, “Every married man that truly loves and appreciates their wife wants to make them happy. I have experienced many changes in men in order to make their wife happier during counseling because of the love they have for them.”
Ramos also has some straightforward advice for any woman in love with a man who doesn’t seem to be fully committed to the relationship or entirely committed to becoming a better individual for himself. If he shows you that he’s not ready to be committed to you, then he’s not. Move on. Once a man is ready and willing to be committed, it’s clear.
“Freedom of dating other individuals is not in the mind of a man who wants to be married. Men want the same thing women need: love, respect, safety, understanding, humor, loyalty, friendship, compatibility, a sex partner, emotional stability, a not needy person, an independent person, a family-oriented, and goal-oriented person with good communication skills.”
I think that when you use the word “train” when talking about the personal evolution your man has made, it’s thoroughly emasculating. Honestly, I’m the kind of woman who would be uninterested in a man who seeks a mommy instead of a mate and likes to be told what to do. But I also wouldn’t want a man so far alpha that he’s incapable of heeding advice on the basis of his macho man disposition.
Where I’m from, quite frankly, there are too many women running themselves ragged trying to get their men together. Like Ramos explained, love can be motivation for a man to change, but that does not mean you should stick around and wait forever for his evolution to take place. Also, it’s worth noting that before lying, marrying and/or bearing children with a man, Ramos advises us to “let your expectations be known up front so there are no surprises during the marriage.”
In my personal experience, besides all of what you are solely responsible for, rearing your boyfriend, fiancé, or husband is not a role you have to or should take on. I haven’t walked down the aisle yet, but if what President Obama says about it taking “10 years to train a man” has any truth to it, I’ll pass.
