Brace yourselves, geography buffs and aquatic enthusiasts, because President Donald Trump has officially declared war on inconveniently named bodies of water! In a move that surely sent cartographers scrambling for new pens and Canadian diplomats reaching for emergency poutine, Lake Ontario is no more. Long live… Lake America!
That's right, folks, forget those pesky 'Ontario' syllables and embrace the red, white, and blue of a newly patriotic puddle. One can only imagine the brainstorming session: "What's more American than America itself? A lake named America!" Presumably, this executive order will also extend to renaming Lake Erie 'Lake Patriot' and Lake Superior 'Lake Tremendous.' And let's not even get started on the fish – do they now get tiny American flags to swim with?
While the official reasoning cited 'tensions,' we suspect the real tension was simply the President's frustration with having to pronounce a non-English-sounding name. Perhaps he was aiming for a hat-trick of renamed landmarks, right after Mount Rushmore became 'Mount Trumpmore' and the Mississippi River flowed with 'Freedom Juice.' So, next time you're enjoying the shores of this majestically rebranded body of water, remember its former life and ponder the immense, watery implications of simply saying, 'America!'
