Shutterstock
A year ago, I found myself living life in a gray area. It was perfect because I had just come out of a long-term relationship and was only looking for a cuddle buddy, someone to chill with until feelings surfaced on both ends. I thought we were just going to go with the flow until he wanted out and put me in the friend zone. It was difficult for me to dial it back and undo everything up to that point because I slipped up and caught feelings. My situation was a little different because the benefits of our situationship didn’t come from or with sex, but companionship. A companionship I eventually came to relish. It was the classic, “I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want a relationship either” scenario that went horribly wrong.
This situationship gone wrong had me wondering if it is possible for friends with any type of benefits to work out successfully, whether the benefits include sex, companionship or just a routine of Friday night movies with takeout. For my case, I’m just going to focus on the most usual benefit of these situations, which is sex. Oftentimes, after several failed relationships and not wanting to put in any effort to work towards another one, we settle for friends with benefits relationships. They usually come with ground rules that are and should be established up front under the pretenses that there will be “no strings attached.” But what exactly are strings? For some, “strings” could be summed up as emotional attachments, a demand for the other person’s attention, an obligation to spend quality time with one another, and the expectation of dates and something more than the “just sex” agreement that was established. Then, I got to thinking, isn’t sex technically a string? Don’t we expect sex from this commitment we’ve made? Don’t we come into it with the expectation that if I call him for sex he’s obligated to give it to me because we have an agreement?
A study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that 42.9% of women reported at least one “friends with benefits” relationship a year. The same study also showed that the emotional part of these non-emotional agreements can be difficult for most women to avoid, but their male counterparts seem to have more positive reactions to sex-focused relationships. This brings forth the conversation that we’ve all had among our friends, but one that never gets old.
My answer? These situations could work, but there is a huge percentage that don’t. To avoid commitment or catching feelings, simply don’t do it if you know you aren’t built for it. If you decide to try, do not have expectations. You should talk about whether this is going to be a long-term thing, always keep friends out of it, and have no sleepovers and no romance involved. Even with these “ground rules” in place, we sometimes cannot control our avoid our emotions. We can only control the amount of attention and action we give them.
Often, we find ourselves in situations we can’t explain. We never expect them to happen, but there’s no way around it. We want more from a situation that we agreed we wouldn’t get caught up in, and the hard part is coping with those unresolved feelings while trying to get back to that place of friendship before the benefits. The best way to cope is to admit to your partner that you want more; you caught feelings, and, therefore, cannot honor your part of the deal. You will only hurt yourself if you can’t be honest. And don’t expect your partner to be understanding. Take some time away and really evaluate what you want. If you know that settling for just friends with benefits isn’t going to work for you anymore, it’s best to slow down on all the sex. Being friends again is not impossible, but trust me, it will take a lot of time, patience, and mood swings to get back there.
