Imagine being Marco Rubio right now. You finally get the big job, the Secretary of State title, the fancy plane, and the unlimited supply of tiny pretzels. But instead of negotiating massive global trade deals or staring down dictators, your primary job description has shifted to International Apology Tour Manager. After President Trump decided to give Pope Leo a piece of his mind—which is a bold move when your opponent literally has Divine Intervention on speed dial—poor Marco had to hop a flight to the Vatican to play the world’s highest-stakes game of damage control.
The official report says the Vatican emphasized the need to work tirelessly in favor of peace. In diplomatic speak, that’s basically the Holy Father looking over his spectacles and asking, Is your boss for real right now? Rubio, meanwhile, had to sit there and nod solemnly while trying to convince the Swiss Guard that he wasn't carrying any provocative social media posts in his briefcase. It is the ultimate awkward dinner party, except the host wears a white robe and the guest is trying to explain why the leader of the free world just roasted the Vicar of Christ on a random Thursday afternoon.
There is something undeniably hilarious about the Secretary of State acting as the designated Fixer for a theological spat. While the Vatican is focused on eternal souls and global tranquility, Rubio is just trying to make sure nobody gets excommunicated before the weekend. You can almost see him sweating under those centuries-old frescoes, praying—literally—that he can get through the meeting without another headline dropping. It’s a tough gig, but someone has to tell the Pope that when the President criticizes him, it’s just his unique way of showing he's paying attention.
