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It started happening in my senior year of college. I began to feel nervous and anxious all of the time, but I just attributed it to my upcoming graduation and the stress of making career decisions. I would sit in class but wasn’t able to fully pay attention. I was lashing out at my friends on a whim. I hardly slept, and if I did, it would end after hours of tossing and turning. I would just lay in bed, staring at the ceiling until the alarm went off. I did this day after day, which rolled into month after month.
My mood had changed so drastically that my mother asked me if I was on drugs. It was at that point that I knew I needed to go and speak to someone. I had my first corporate gig by that time, and it was my co-workers who convinced me to go and sit on “the couch.”
I didn’t really know what to expect from therapy. Although not entirely familiar with it, it wasn’t a foreign concept in my household as I was privy to my mother’s therapy sessions through eavesdropping on her phone conversations from time to time. The sessions were helpful and very insightful, but still, I was embarrassed to admit to anyone that I was in therapy. I was a brown girl at an HBCU, and we were supposed to “pray away” our problems.
After deciding to receive treatment on the low, I realized that there was a deeper and more unsettling reason for my mood’s changes. During my third visit, I was diagnosed with depression. I was confused because I wasn’t really sure if this meant that I was “crazy.” That is, the type of crazy you see in the movies and read about in the news. I was relieved to be given some sort of explanation for the strange feelings I had been dealing with but still a little unsure about where I stood. I went back to campus that day and treated my diagnosis as a secret because of the stigma attached to depression at that time. I didn’t feel comfortable sharing this news with anyone; not even my line sisters. I needed time to digest everything by myself.
As everyone else was preparing for coronation, I was holed up in my room, researching depression. I learned that it was a very common thing and that there were several types.
Major depression is among the more common, but there’s also atypical depression, persistent depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, seasonal affective disorder, post-partum depression and situational depression. Depression can be brought on by life changes or a chemical imbalance in the brain.
There are many different paths one can take for treatment. Some people opt for medication in the form of anti-depressants, but this option did not work for me. I took medication for one week and felt like a zombie. I’m not sure if the right medication was prescribed to me initially, but it made me hesitant to try any other kind. Most doctors will tell you to keep trying different anti-depressants if the ones specified aren’t working. But if you’re taking the right medication you should see results within a month, once it’s well into your system.
Since my depression stemmed from lifestyle changes, I started paying attention to what my triggers were. Looking back on my life, I was able to pinpoint the exact situation that triggered a particular episode of depression and how. Making the connection between triggers and depression has been the best thing I could have ever done for myself as I am fully aware of what can send me into a downward spiral. I also practice a lot of self-care by tackling negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones because I learned that negative thoughts could easily cause an episode. I’ve also read that exercise helps as it releases the chemical endorphins that are natural pain and stress fighters.
Nowadays, I’m very open and real about my condition as I am no longer that little girl that was hiding behind the negative stigma of depression. I’m also very proud to see more and more women of color come out and speak up regarding this issue. If you’re suffering in silence, it’s time to be vocal. You can’t get help if no one knows you’re hurting on the inside. Research your symptoms, make an appointment and start receiving the treatment that works best for you. Facing depression is the only way to defeat it.
