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Getting married is a beautiful thing, but just like any other partnership, you have to know precisely what you’re getting yourself into. Surprisingly, many people aren’t aware of their mate’s wants or habits before saying “I do.” Other times they know and are in denial. They have this idea in their heads that once the ring is on, whatever dream lifestyle they had floating around in their head (but failed to tell their partner about) is going to “fly” with their mate. But if you’re not communicating effectively in the beginning, please don’t think it’s going to get better once those vows are exchanged.
A “quickie” divorce can be avoided if you communicate openly and honestly about every single aspect of your union and how you think it should be. It’s not only important to have this conversation – it’s crucial that the two of you agree on the issues. A house divided in mind is a house eventually split in the emotional and physical. Here are a few topics that need to be discussed before jumping the broom.
Do you want to live in the burbs or is the city the place to be for you?
A girlfriend of mine was shocked to discover that her husband purchased a home in a district with winding roads that never seemed to end. While several conversations were had about where they would live, he totally disregarded her desire to be in a location where the city bustles with ambulance sirens and fast-paced energy. True, there were other issues in their marriage, but this ended up being the straw that broke the camel’s back. They are currently going through divorce proceedings.
How many children do the two of you agree on having?
This is a no-brainer, but you would be surprised how many people aren’t on the same page before and after tying the knot. A co-worker of mine met and fell in love with this beautiful woman. They agreed to the marriage but never agreed on the number of children they would have. Nicole did not feel that she was “mother material,” but Terry envisioned soccer practices, school PTA meetings, and a house full of little people. In this case, he thought he could change her mind, and she thought she could change his. This was a disaster from the start. They are now in marriage counseling, but Nicole is not budging from her position: no kids.
What is your parenting style going to be once these children are here?
If he wants to spank the babies and you don’t, that’s a problem. My parents had this issue. My father opted for timeouts while my mother would pay her respects to our backsides when my dad wasn’t home. If the two of you have different ideas about discipline, you should make sure it’s understood before walking down the aisle.
Who’s doing the dishes?
As silly as this sounds, I’ve been privy to many conversations with women and men about their mate and whose responsibility it is to do which chore. One woman I know complained that she had to constantly pick her new husband’s socks, pajamas, and more off the floor in the morning because as he went to go shower, these items would conveniently be left in a trail for her to gather up. She is a self-professed neat freak so this added unnecessary strain to the marriage. A guy I know found the love of his life, made her his wife and then discovered she wasn’t the domestic type. Needless to say, his quest for a tidier mate didn’t end with her.
Religion or spirituality?
There has to be some common ground when it comes to God and how you worship. I recently met a guy, and somehow I became his unofficial marriage counselor. He and his wife married young and at the time the couple was ambiguous about how God factored into their lives. They exchanged vows anyway and years later, he is a Zen practitioner while she is a Christian. According to him, they now sleep in separate bedrooms, their only commonality is their son, and they disagree on parenting styles as well.
And last but not least: finances
I know a woman who was extremely career-minded, but once she got the ring, she up and quit her job, leaving all of the financial stress on her husband. Her spouse was under the impression that there would be two people dealing with the money woes in the marriage. Once he witnessed her selfish behavior, he started to behave selfishly as well. Acting out of resentment and pressure from all of the bills, he began an affair.
I mention all of this to say that it’s critical for two people to be equally yoked; otherwise, what’s the point? If you think that you can get hitched and iron out the details later, you’re asking for a dramatic and chaotic lifestyle. You can’t get married just to say you are married. You have to have the important conversations because marriage isn’t just about romance. It is indeed a partnership, and it takes a whole lot more than love for it to work.
