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For the past few months, I’ve been in a whirlwind of BS when it comes to dating. I was seeing a particular guy for a little while, and at first, we only had minor disagreements. But after some time passed, s**t started to hit the fan. His ex-girlfriend kept popping up in photos on social media anytime we would have even the smallest of arguments. Initially I turned the other cheek to this annoyance because it wasn’t THAT big of a deal to me, and we were just dating. But then I started seeing more and more photos of her at family gatherings and intimate events. They seemed on when we were off. I realized then that it was time to ask the questions I should have asked months earlier.
When we first started dating I asked if he was in a relationship or seeing someone. No and no. I left it at that. What I should have done was probe just a bit deeper. For some, especially men, the lines are blurred when it comes to ‘relationships’ and ‘seeing someone,’ especially when it deals with their exes. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and anger if I would have dug a bit deeper into his status with his so-called ex.
I should have asked him if he was still seeing her, even if he considered it a friendly encounter (which usually isn’t the case). More importantly, I should have asked how long it had been since they’d broken up and if he still had feelings for her. Another good question to ask would have been, who broke up with whom? If he broke up with her, then he may have been over the relationship. If she broke up with him, depending on when they split, he may feel more inclined to go running when she calls.
As it turns out, they broke up over a minor disagreement, one that could have easily been resolved. It’s also one that I think they tried to resolve during the time we were dating. And although he and I spent most days together, when we didn’t, or after we argued, he was off trying to make amends with her. He’s still very much in love with her. And although they’re not officially together, or so he says, they spend a lot of time together when he and I are not on good terms.
My feelings for him, thank God, are fading; but I can’t help but wonder how much hurt I could have saved myself if I would have asked these questions in the beginning. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t sure what kind of relationship I wanted with him, or maybe it was my ego that kept me from considering his ex. Whatever the reason, as previously mentioned, I have been in a whirlwind of BS that could have been prevented if I would have asked the right “ex-factor” questions.
The dynamics of relationships vary, but asking these questions about the past could save a lot of confusion in the future. Ladies, don’t make the same mistake. Probe, even if it seems intrusive. Your heart will thank you in the long run.
